Friends...

Do you sometimes see people who grew up together and know every thing about each other and feel a little jealous of them? Have you ever wished for someone who knew you so well that they could anticipate your thoughts and needs and you them? Have you ever had a friend like this and then they moved away or something broke in your relationship and it was never the same?

I have a string of relationships in my life that seem to go kaput as soon as I get to the point of intimacy. Now, I'm not looking for you to psycho analyze me and I don't want trite advice. Don't take this blog as some suicidal I hate the world note. I'm happy, really. I have the most beautiful children and I married my best friend. I'm just commenting on the strange and fragile nature of friendship.

Friendship is like a rose. It grows; it blooms; it's beautiful; then it wilts; it fades; and it dies. And the process continues. . . infinitely until you die....Depressing....why can't we collect a bunch of roses that live forever?

I think that every single person is created with an intense desire for intimacy. We strive for it and that's why sex is so glorified in our culture. But although sex is physically intimate it doesn't replace that mental, emotional, and spiritual connection that comes between friends who get each other.

I end up being a loner more often than not because I've spent time on one friend or another in my life and then events and directions change things and I lose my friend. I have this longing for a bosom friend like Anne of Green Gables had. But, I'm beginning to think at this stage in my life that it's a pipe dream. Maybe I have such a love affair with Facebook because I'm looking for an intimate intimacy that goes beyond what I have now. . . I don't think Facebook can move away from me. . . .or create awkward situations because I said something stupid and the other person is afraid to tell me. . . .

Okay, so I feel that at this point we need another disclaimer. I have a soulmate. He's the one I adore, and we are completely happy together. But, our relationship too has changed--once again let me say--I'm not looking for a diagnoses or advice--I'm just talking to you like you are my intimate friend, so no analysis needed...thanks. . . Anyway, we have kids, and the constant togetherness that we used to have has melted into early bedtimes, bathes, and chores. We used to go to shows, movies, restaurants at midnight and hang out all the time, but we've come to the point where we can't really enjoy those things together anymore without the need for elaborate arrangements. It's different and I'm mourning the loss of the way things were. This season in our relationship is different. It involves sleepy conversations as we pull the covers up at midnight and discussions about the theory of discipline and whether or not we should continue to allow Emerie to have her pacifier. And, all though I know that this too shall pass, I'm recognizing that I miss the past.

Another thing about relationships is something that leadership does to you...Watch any leader...do they have any intimate friends? Do you see them with people that they can really relax around? I'm destined for a life of leadership because of my chosen profession and the profession my BFF is training for. . . Why should I struggle to create intimate relationships outside of my family if I'm only going to loose them every couple of years. You can't be intimate with the people you're asked to lead. Can you?

I watched my parents (who are in positions of leadership) recede into themselves. Refuse to have friends. . . Refrain from socializing with anyone intimately because it's too hard to keep up the proper appearances in front of the right people and be real. In their minds it's too hard to allow friends into their intimate circle of trust because of how they might or might not hurt them....is that the way I'm going to be?

I'm tired of mourning lost relationships. I'm sad that there is only one person that I am friends with today that has known me since childhood...besides my sister...and she's in AZ and I've missed the last 5 years of her life because we're both married now and we don't have time to be close.

And then I consistently fear that people don't like me...although as I get older that fear recedes further into the background of my mind. I am attempting to build relationships...Don't get me wrong...I don't want to be a hermit, but it's almost a J. Alfred Prufrock moment...."Do I dare disturb the Universe?" (That's a T.S. Elliot allusion for my non-poetic Friends).

I find myself using the term friend too lightly. Do you really know what it means to be a friend? I hope you do, and I hope you're thinking about your friends and are thankful for those people in your life that really get you and are intimate with you.

I guess the reason I'm wandering around on this path tonight is that Saturday I saw a girl that I used to have an intimate relationship with--We traveled together and I tried to fix her up with my BFF's best friend. Now granted when I saw her....I did nothing out of the ordinary to attract her attention...something about being self-conscious--you know--but I did put myself where she could see me three or four times and attempted to catch her eye and she totally ignored me. ...Our relationship ended badly over a misunderstanding....It was ridiculous and I thought it had been long enough...She accepted my friendship on Myspace... but sadly no. That friendship is still dead. I guess I can add that name to my list of deadened friendships...I'll set up a little graveyard somewhere and mourn all the people I've invested in that are no longer in my life...


So, Debbie Downer on a rainy night...Oh! and just so you know...I'm happy remember...